Where has the month gone? I've had this post written in my head for weeks now.
Every year in my blog I reflect on the past year and muse upon the next. This one gets vulnerable in the middle, and then talks “woo woo” inner guide/higher power stuff, but not until it gets into 2016 goals.
Oh, 2015, you feel like so long ago
A summary of my 2015 goals that I posted last year in my other blog + results:
Goal #1: Learning through training
Result: I did B-School in the spring and enrolled in The Institute of Transformational Nutrition in the fall.
Goal #2: New experiences. Of this, I said, “New experiences can be small, too. Last week I finally played Cards Against Humanity for the first time.”
Result: I had a bunch of new experiences. Because of restaurant ownership our trip to Sault Ste. Marie was shorter than expected BUT we bought a trailer to carry us and our gear. Trailer ownership is new to me. It's a hybrid toy hauler/camper with a king sized bed at one end and a living room/”toy” area with ramp in the other, a kitchen with bathroom in the middle. The kitchen and the bathroom aren't the same space but the shower hangs over the toilet. For awhile I journaled my goals every day and it was a reminder to do new things. I also didn't take anything “new” for granted, because I wanted to write it down. Even meeting a new person counted. Oh, and we now own our own Cards Against Humanity deck and while I sucked that first time, I won the second time.
Goal #3: Less reading about enlightenment/self-improvement/personal development. I said, “I pick this stuff up and drop it like other habits. I’m self-aware enough to look inside myself and see what I really need without all the noise clouding my intuition. I’d rather free up my time and energy for other pursuits. It’s what I need right now and that’s being true to myself.” and “It’s time to simplify.”
Result: I think I laid off for awhile…
Goal #4: Be charitable. I said, “I want to earmark a small amount every month. It feels good to give and some say when you put that out into the universe you get back.” And for awhile I did.
And I did give to charity.
Goal #5: Less clutter. “Literally. Get rid of it. We have old sheets, pillows, and towels that are ripped that need to be thrown out. My new rule: If it’s damaged and can’t be fixed, throw it out. I have piles of books that can be donated.”
I did a ton of decluttering. I throw a lot of stuff out, and recently we made our living room usable again. Several of my books have migrated to another room, though, closer to the door. The idea is to drop them at Value Village on my way out to the park that we sometimes take the dog to.
Into 2016: Theme Word of the Year
My 2015 “Core Desired Feelings” remain the same but with one significant change:
This is my “word of the year”.
I got there through word definitions while going through my annual reflection of core desired feelings.
Funny how words work. In 2015 one of my words was “abundance” and recently I thought, “I got it, but not the type [that is, in the manner] I intended.” I revisited the definitions of “abundance” on Danielle's website and found “1. a great or plentiful amount; 2. fullness to overflowing; 3. affluence, wealth”.
The first two happened in 2015, but not the third…. I had already decided that my one theme word for 2016 would be “achievement”. So, this year I've changed “abundance” to “accomplishment” (synonymous with “achievement”) and have noted in my journal that I want to feel “abundance through achievement”.
I was very “full” in 2015. I have lots to be thankful for in my life. I am rich in experiences and stuff, but stuff doesn't pay the rent. During my new year's reflection, I realized that abundance needs more. Ironically, the word lacks. Abundance needs action. Abundance needs to be paired with achievement. Achievement implies action. I put the following in the journal that I keep on my computer (Evernote is good for that):
[I feel really uncomfortable saying “wealth”, but I told myself that being uncomfortable is why I needed to share it.]
ACHIEVEMENT feels right.
I also jotted this in my journal and copy and paste it at the top of every journal “page” (a new note in an Evernote notebook called “Journal 2016”) with action words beneath it.
The colour purple is deliberate. In journal pages it's green, which is also deliberate.
Core Desired Feelings 2016
Joy, accomplished*, peace, lit up.
(*Because “achieved” isn't a feeling.)
I remember these for the acronym. “A” words are good for that. It's JAPL.
How have I been doing with it?
It's been a productive month, one that I feel will pay off.
I kept 2 from 2015: (1) Learning and (2) new experiences.
New experiences should be a goal every year.
(3) “Be healthy” is a new one.
Less clutter is somewhere between “goal” and “habit”, something to remain conscious of. Charity will always be part of my life. I didn't think that they deserved a part on my grid, and I try to keep it to 4 goals so that I can have a box of 2 row, 2 columns. A 5th goal would essentially be a “5th wheel”.
The most important goal of all:
Be a better partner
This wouldn't necessarily have been a specific “goal” or a “new year's resolution” – instead, it would be something to be conscious of – if not for the timing.
Warning: This is where I get into the “Inner Guide”/spirit junkie/lightworker stuff.
On New Year's Eve Day, my man got very pissed off at me and let me know very loudly and clearly. It was startling and unnerving. For the first time ever in our 4 year relationship, I feared that he was done with me. I spent the day in my head, my ego and “gremlins” battling my Self/consciousness and my inner guides. If you're into this stuff you know that sometimes it's hard to figure out who's speaking when they're all speaking and trying to dominate. Their debate raged on in my mind. My Self asked questions such as, “What are we going to do about it?” and “What's the worst case scenario?” My gremlins told me that I suck, reminded me of why he'd broken up with previous girlfriends, and told me to consider the possibility of moving back in with my parents (or maybe it was my Self saying the latter). My guide gave me clarity. The analogy that my mind is giving me right now is rabbis throughout history who stayed up all night debating.
So, while stewing (obsessing) about this event over the course of a few hours with the help of my inner “friends”, I realized that he was right to be pissed off. I had failed as a partner in this case and I'd been inadequate as a partner for awhile. I could tell when it shifted from the gremlins telling me this to the other parts of me accepting it because it was no longer panic, it was peace, acceptance and a feeling of, “Okay, you've got this.” That was my inner guide assuring my Self
I recognized that while I hadn't been a terrible partner, I was being a good partner in ways that served me, rather than compromising or doing things that were uncomfortable. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being best, I think I'd been around a 6.5-7.
And so I resolved to be a better partner, which means occasionally stepping out of my comfort zone, and also stepping up. It means regaining some independence that I accidentally let slip away over 3.5 years of co-habitation and being less co-dependent. It means stepping up and “manning up”.
By the end of the day he apologized for over-reacting, I insisted that he was right to be angry because I'd been a bad partner (again, my Self, not my gremlins), and we made up. I joined him at his place of business at 11:30 pm, and we kissed at midnight, going into 2016 with a fresh perspective and a feeling of renewal. Soon after I felt that our relationship was stronger than it had been in awhile. Sometimes one needs to be jolted out of behavior (or lack of) that's not serving them. Sometimes relationships need to be relit.
(To be clear, NONE of this has to do with sex. Is that TMI? If it was about sex, it might be TMI.)
So there you go.
P.S. If you read my 2015 version, also read 2014‘s.